Deranged Design

Just follow the bouncing ball...in my pants.

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 08:20:59 GMT

Okay, stole this from Rachel.

Whatcha do is you set whatever program you use to play mp3s on your computer to "random" or "party play" or whatever. Take the first 10 songs, add "in my pants" to the title, and BOOM. Instant fun. It's just like sex, only I'm doing it!

Deftones - The Chauffeur in my pants
Our Lady Peace - Tomorrow Never Knows in my pants
Paul Oakenfold - Starry Eyed Surprise in my pants
Unloco - Bruises in my pants
Bear McCreary - The Shape of Things to Come in my pants
Nightwish - Wish I had an Angel in my pants
Muse - Butterflies and Hurricanes in my pants
Brownie McGhee & Sonny Terry - God and Man in my pants
Puff Daddy - Victory in my pants
The Pillows - Beautiful Morning with You in my pants

Old Urges

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 06:54:14 GMT

I don't know. I havent been well in months. Not since Dharma. I'm starting to really worry...the only friendships I have are ones I got before her...and those are becoming strained now. I cant seem to meet new people, to talk to anyone I dont know. I'm scared of everyone and everything, and I feel that I'm beginning to push the people who do put up with me away. I wish someone would just shut me off and...fix me.

Electro-Shock Blues

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 01:23:04 GMT

Feeling scared today
Write down I am okay
A hundred times the doctors say

I am okay
I am okay
I'm not okay

Skin is crawling off
Mopping the sweaty drops
Sticking around for this shit

Another day
Another day
Not another day

Pink pill feels good
Finally understood
Take me in your warm embrace

I am trying
I am trying

-Eels

Planes on an Award Show

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 17:13:26 GMT

I haven't posted anything in ages, and instead of catching people up on the recent events of my life, I need to say something that may be considered callous.

Last night Conan O'Brien hosted the Emmy's on NBC. The opening sketch of the show was a pre-filmed bit with Conan flying to the award show on a jetliner, which then crashes on an island so that a parody of LOST, a show almost completely ignored by the Emmy's, could begin. People are upset about the insensitive skit airing only hours after an actual plane crash in Kentucky killed 49.
Now, I'm all for being respectful, but I am also all for taking an artists side in almost any situation. Now, the actual sequence of the plane crashing in the bit was all of 20 seconds, and was seemingly cut down significantly. The crash was only present enough to give the proper segue into the Lost parody. The plane in Kentucky never fell from the sky, or hit a coastline; it crashed on the runway into the forest at the edge. This is tragic, but should people really expect the sketch to be entirely removed? The OPENING sketch, usually the most elaborate of an award show? Some people wrote of the Emmy's "ARMY OF WRITERS" that could have easily made a replacement, and even if it sucked, saying that the original was removed out of respect for the crash would have been classy. Agreed, it would have been, and maybe they could have done that somehow, even creating another somewhat high-quality, high-budget pre-filmed segment (unlikely, I think).
My question is, should they have to? Should Snakes on a Plane be pulled from theaters? Should sketches parodying the big-winner Law & Order be pulled because people may have been murdered yesterday? I think not, but that's just me. What do you think, possibly non-existant readers?

...mmmkay. Neat-O!

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 08:59:30 GMT

You scored as True Alternative. You are a True Alternative! Labels do not suit you well, particularly as you tend to strike your own path and to grow purely via experience. No armchair quarterbacking for you! Originality and creation are your specialities, and sometimes you can even articulate what the hell just happened. Someday you may find yourself drawing the maps for other people... lots of other people.

</td>

True Alternative

60%

White Lighter

60%

Discordian

50%

Aimless Eclectic

50%

Mystic

45%

Spiritualist

45%

Magician

25%

Otherkin

20%

What Subversive Alternative Paradigm Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com

Decorative Pillow, a.k.a.: The One with the Lazy Cat

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 18:24:39 GMT

You scored as Couch Potato Cat. Decorative pillow? No, that'd be you sitting on the couch, even still. Hmm. . . I'm guessing you have Web TV.

</td>

Couch Potato Cat

92%

Drunk Cat

42%

Derranged Cat

42%

Love Machine Cat

42%

Pissed at the World Cat

42%

Nerd Cat

33%

Ninja Cat

17%

Which Absurd Cat are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

Amazing Revelations brought by Peter Gabriel, a.k.a.: The Lyrical Story of How I got my Groove Back

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 03:56:58 GMT

Thank you, Peter Gabriel.

Darkness
by Peter Gabriel

I'm scared of swimming in the sea
dark shapes moving under me
every fear I swallow makes me small
inconsequential things occur
alarms are triggered, memories stir

It's not the way it has to be

I'm afraid of what I do not know
I hate being undermined
I'm afraid I can be devil man
and I'm scared to be divine
don't mess with me, my fuse is short
beneath this skin these fragments caught

when I allow it to be
there's no control over me
I have my fears
but they do not have me

walking through the undergrowth, to the house in the woods
the deeper I go, the darker it gets
I peer through the window
knock at the door
and the monster I was
so afraid of
lies curled up on the floor
he's curled up on the floor just like a baby boy

I cry until I laugh

I'm afraid of being mothered
with my balls shut in the pen
I'm afraid of loving women
and I'm scared of loving men
flashbacks coming in every night
don't tell me everything's alright

when I allow it to be
it has no control over me
I own my fear
so it doesn't own me

walking through the undergrowth, to the house in the woods
the deeper I go, the darker it gets
I peer in the window
knock at the door
and the monster I was
so afraid of
lies curled up on the floor
he's curled up on the floor just like a baby boy

I cry until I laugh

Numb

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 19:04:14 GMT

I'm dieing out here. I don't eat, and I live in filth. I don't have enough money for food or rent or bills...my classes aren't quite worked out for next semester. I hate myself more and more every damn day and people just keep making me feel worse. I have no support. I don't even want someone to lean on, just someone who doesn't make me feel bad for the few brief moments I have fun in this life. I wonder more and more if the world would be any different if I were to die today. Would it perhaps even improve? I realize now that people expect so much more of me then I could ever give...because they expect me to be a decent person. And the truth is, I'm not. And I'm all alone in working to be; everyone simply wants me to feel bad for what I am rather than see some future good. There is no future good; they berrate me and make me feel bad because I deserve it. Villains don't choose to be villains; those in darkness and evil do so with some noble intention in their skewed mind. One day a hero will strike me down, and the people rejoice. I could be that hero...just once...

I'm crying at my desk, in the middle of my coworkers, and the one person I'd like to tell that to and hear that it's all going to be okay, would just tell me I'm selfish and a martyr. No, hun. I don't want to die for any cause. I just want to die. And it's not for selfish reasons. I'm just tired of destroying all that I touch.

I'm just not strong enough...

The Dropa Stones

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 17:50:14 GMT

After four years (I'll end up with a 6 year stay at NYU undergrad in the end), I have had a ton of classtime devoted to studying film, and a surprisingly little time spent crafting my own. As a result, I had begun to become a little...worried. Worried about whether I was just turning an interest in movies into a supposed career path; worried that I am a hack. I can take constructive criticism, and even harsh criticism when it comes to my films, but it's always nice to receive VINDICATION of your TALENTS:

Michael,

This has a nice Indiana Jones quality to it, and you handle the jumping back and forth between two time periods very well.

Nice specifics re: the archaelogical detail, and excellent (and grisly) fight scenes. A lot of good tension here -- would make a nice "pilot", or kick-off to an adventure series. Well done, again.

Grade for script: A- / Grade for class: A-

BOOYA.

Worth the Wait

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 23:22:52 GMT

Random Comic Generator v2.0 by Delya
Nickname
Paper or plastic?
panel 1
panel 2
panel 3

Quiz created with MemeGen!

This is a subject. mmmyep.

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 18:20:30 GMT

20 People you can think of right off the top of your head.

1. Dharma
2. Pat
3. Aankit
4. M-Lo
5. Ron
6. Phil
7. Mom
8. Dad
9. Serena
10. April
11. Gene
12. El Hollwitzo
13. Marisa
14. Rachel
15. Mara
16. Jesse
17. Ian
18. Ashley
19. Laurie
20. Raven

How did you meet 13?
I first met Marisa at tryouts for a Fordham Prep play back in Junior year of H.S.

What would you do if you never met 5?
Well, he’s my brother. He’s the peacekeeper, so I’d probably have killed my other brother, or died at his hands by now without Ron.

What do you honestly think of 10?
April? Not much. I work with her, and she seems nice, but stressed. Very stressed.

Have you ever liked 3?
No, Aankit is an asshole. I kid – of course I like him, he rocks DESPITE being an asshole.

If 1 died tomorrow what is one thing that you would want them to know?
What a sad question! I hate this quiz now. I’d want Dharma to know I love her, but let’s stop thinking about this awful thing, moving on…

Would 2 and 11 make a good couple?
Pat and Gene. Wow. Yeah, really not. Despite the whole “two heterosexual males” thing, theres the whole thing that they both, in different ways, are stubborn and thick headed and very set in their opinions about things. They would kill each other.

Do you think 12 is hot?
Hollwitzo! Hell yes. “Kip” will always be my lil’ hot sidekick, molested by clergy-impersonating-magicians. I would give him oral sex if I wasn’t afraid his massive manhood would punch a hole in my head (or possibly, in SPACE TIME ITSELF).

Would 1 and 17 make a lovely couple?
You know, whoever wrote this must have known that the first person someone thinks of is likely very important to them, and quite possibly a significant other. So far, I hate all your questions about Dharma. Especially this one. Dharma and Ian? They’d be cute together…

On a scale from 1-10 how cute is 14?
Aw, Rachel! She’s a 7.5, which equals “cute as a button”.

What language does 19 speak?
English and “Curse-ese”.

Who is number 8 going out with?
Dad? Pretty sure he’s still with Mom. And I think it’s pretty serious.

Is 9 a boy or a girl?
Serena is a girl. This question was boring.

When was the last time you talked to 18?
I haven’t talked to Ashley since last semester, when I ran into her on the way to class.

Would you ever date 6?
My brother Phil? No…the one time we tried it was just plain awkward…

Would you ever date 7?
And that’s my mom. God, this quiz is working out TERRIBLY. I feel mental scars forming…

Is 15 single?
Why, are you interested? Mara is currently single, at least she was as of last week.

What is 5's middle name?
Ron has no middle name. I’m the only Roccuzzo boy with one.

Would 14 and 19 make a good couple?
Rachel’s too much for Laurie; Laur would kill her. Plus Laurie hates cartoons and science fiction and most things that make people like Rachel and giddy like school girls (quick, now picture me dressed as a schoolgirl. Didn’t think this quiz could get more disturbing, eh?).

What school does 16 go to?
Shit, some place in…Virginia, is it? I think that’s where he is now. He’s doin’ the law thang.

Would you make out with 10?
LOL…would I make out with my superior? No…the raise I’d get would be nice (yes, I’m that good), but still, no.

Is 16 older than you?
Yessir. One year.

Is 11 good looking?
Gene is not handsome in my opinion, but my taste in males is very specific. He’s definitely “badass”, though.

What is 5's favorite color?
I believe it is Yankee blue.

How long have you known 2?
I’ve known Pat for 2 years. Although I first saw him 2 and a half years ago, from several miles away. Ya see, Pat is very tall…and..bah. Nevermind.

If 9 asked you out, what would you say?
What did you smoke today? Heh, well of course I’d say I’m with someone. If I was single, I’d probably be flattered, but Serena and I mesh well as friends.

What do you think of 19?
Laurie is a strong, and honest woman.

What is 20s favorite band?
Argh…um, Raven dug some…like, Celtic thing I think? Or was it..bah. I have no idea. I used to know, but my brain hurts from this disappointing and disturbing quiz. Thank you quiz, for making me picture my girlfriend both dead, and dating a guy whose relationship with her intimidates me. Thank you quiz, for making me have to give reasons I wouldn’t date my mom and brother. Thank you for instigating the image of me as a schoolgirl. Thank you quiz, you fucking FUCK. *stabs quiz*

The Best...me?

Fri, 07 Oct 2005 05:53:59 GMT

Which Dyre Spirit Are You Most Like?
brought to you by Quizilla

Return of the Wang and a score of 129

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 16:21:05 GMT

I have broken my hiatus, as Chrissy (3ng1i5hn3rd) had a movie-related thingy that was just too much to pass up. I can't allow such a viable display of my movie-geekiness to pass by. And so, here it is:

(Put an X by the movies you've seen.
If you get more than 70, you're a movie whore.
COPY and REPOST ! PLACE YOUR SCORE IN THE SUBJECT LINE

(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Boondock Saints
(x) The Mexican
(x) Fight Club
(x) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
( ) Blazing Saddles
(x) Garden State
(x) The Princess Bride
(x) Young Frankenstien
(x) AnchorMan
( ) Napoleon Dynamite
( ) Saw
( ) White noise
( ) White Oleander
(x) Anger Management
Total here: 16 My Total: 11

( ) 50 First Dates
(x) Jason X
(x) Scream
(x) Scream 2
(x) Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie
(x) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
(x) American Pie
(x) American Pie 2
(x) American Wedding
(x) Harry Potter
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Resident Evil I
( ) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
Total here: 18 My Total: 14

( ) The Village
(x) Donnie Darko
(x) Lilo & Stitch
(x) Finding Nemo
( ) Finding Neverland
(x) 13 Ghosts
(x) Signs
(x) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) White Chicks
( ) Butterfly Effect
( ) Thirteen going on 30
(x) I, Robot
(x) Dodgeball
( ) Universal Soldier
(x) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(x) Along Came A Spider
(x) Deep Impact
Total here: 18 My Total: 11

( ) KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
( ) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) A Cinderella Story
( ) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumb & Dumberer
(x) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
(x) Halloween
(x) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
(x) Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
( ) Practical Magic
( ) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
(x) From Hell
(x) Hellboy
( ) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
( ) The Whole Ten Yards
(x) The Day After Tomorrow
(x) Child's Play
( ) Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
( ) Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
( ) Sixteen Candles
(x) Bad Boys
(x) Bad Boys 2
(x) Joy Ride
(x) Seven
(x) Oceans Eleven
( ) Oceans Twelve
(x) Identity
Total here: 41 My Total: 20

( ) Lone Star
(x) Predator I
(x) Predator II
(x) Independence day
(x) Cujo
(x) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
(x) Christine
(x) ET
(x) Children of the Corn
( ) My Boss' Daughter
( ) Maid in Manhattan
(x) Frailty
( ) Best Bet
( ) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks
Total here: 19 My Total: 11

(x) Event Horizon
( ) Ever After
(x) Forrest Gump
(x) Big Trouble in Little China
(x) X-men 1
(x) X-men 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Others
( ) Freaky Friday
(x) Ring of Fire
( ) The Hot Chick
( ) Swimfan
( ) Miracle
( ) Old School
( ) Ray
( ) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
Total here: 17 My Total: 8

(x) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
( ) A Walk to Remember
( ) Boogeyman
( ) Hitch
( ) Back Door Sluts 9
( ) Anal Acres 1
( ) Anal Acres 2
( ) B-Cup Divas
(x) The Fifth Element
(x) Star Wars episode I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars episode II Attack of The Clones
(x) Star Wars episode III Revenge of The Sith
(x) Star Wars episode IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars episode V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars episode VI Return of The Jedi...
( ) Troop Beverly Hill
( ) Swimming with Sharks
(x) Air Force One
( ) For Richer or Poorer
( ) Trainspotting
( ) People Under the Stairs
( ) Blue Velvet
( ) Sound of music
(x) Parent Trap
( ) The 'Burbs
(x) The Terminator
( ) Empire Records
( ) SLC Punk
( ) Meet Joe Black
( ) Wild Girls
(x) A Clockwork Orange
(x) The Order
(x) Spiderman
(x) Spiderman 2
( ) Amelie
Total here: 37 My Total: 17

(x) Mean Girls
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
(x) The Incredibles
(x) Collateral
(x) The Fast & The Furious
(x) 2 Fast 2 Furious
(x) Sky Captain Of The World Of Tomorrow
( ) Closer
Total here:9 My Total: 8

(x) Titanic
( ) Saved
(x) Bowling For Columbine
( ) Farenheit 9/11
(x) The Sixth Sense
(x) Artificial intelligence (AI)
( ) Love actually
( ) Shutter
( ) Ella Enchanted
( ) Princess Diaries 1
( ) Princess Diaries 2
( ) Constantine
( ) Million Dollar Baby
( ) Envy
( ) Eurotrip
( ) Malibu's Most wanted
(x) Big Daddy
( ) Black Sheep
(x) The Breakfast Club
(x) West side story
Total here: 20 My Total: 7

(x) A Christmas Story
( ) Spanglish
(x) Pulp Fiction
( ) Sleepover
(x) The Evil Dead
(x) Killer Klowns From Outer Space*
( ) The Seed of chucky
(x) Vanilla Sky
(x) Nightmare Before Christmas
( ) Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
(x) Interview With The Vampire
(x) The Crow
( ) Purple Rain
(x) Reservoir Dogs
(x) Wayne's World
Total here: 15 My Total: 10

(x) Wayne's World 2
( ) 21 Grams
( ) Blow
(x) Edward Scissorhands
(x) Clerks
(x) Beauty and the Beast
( ) Guess Who
( ) Monster In-Law
(x) Elf
( ) Stuart Little
( ) Stuart Little 2
(x) Mall Rats
(x) Chasing Amy
(x) Dogma
(x) Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Total here: 15 My Total: 9

(x) Beetlejuice
(x) The Last Samurai
( ) The Amityville Horror
( ) The Aviator
(x) Romeo and Juliet
( ) Barbershop
( ) Beauty Shop
( ) Legally Blonde
( ) Legally Blonde 2
( ) The Forgotten
( ) Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen
( ) Grudge
Total here: 12 My Total: 3

I scored 129. I didn't include films I hadn't finished, even if I only missed 5 or 10 minutes. I'm disappointed. I must finish those films so my dork-score will increase. I MUST.

Overwhelming Debts

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 13:08:26 GMT

Until further notice, this Livejournal is ON HIATUS. (in case you couldn't tell). Don't expect any posts for a while, and even my apperances on AIM have been and will continue to be scarce for a while. Those who know my #, use it, and those who want it, drop me an e-mail.

Letterman? "You got a stick of gum?"

Mon, 08 Aug 2005 15:01:45 GMT

the Cutting Edge

(59% dark, 42% spontaneous, 10% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | DARK

Your humor's mostly innocent and off-the-cuff, but somehow there's something slightly menacing about you. Part of your humor is making people a little uncomfortable, even if the things you say aren't themselves confrontational. You probably have a very dry delivery, or are seriously over-the-top.

Your type is the most likely to appreciate a good insult and/or broken bone and/or very very fat person dancing.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: David Letterman - John Belushi

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 67% on dark

You scored higher than 49% on spontaneous

You scored higher than 3% on vulgar

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Delirium and Hardened Lime

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 16:05:18 GMT

I'm beginning to see how minimal effort with the "tough" stuff really does allow for "fun time". Before, it seemed to me that to successfully live this adult (psuedo-adult...I'm still a student) life, I would have to sacrifice all the fun. Luckily, that's not the case. I've been doing the job-hunting-thang, which sucks immense donkey balls, and the apartment is coming...well...slowly, but surely. Dharma and I have been bouncing around the idea of moving back up to Westchester, which has its pros and cons. The biggest pro for me is a car. I miss driving, especially now. Summertime driving, with the windows down and some tunes blaring...that's fun, man.
Last night Dharma and I had a fun night, though it was just a "Dinner, and then home to drink and smoke" kinda thing. Earlier in the week, we went on a spontaneous trip to Coney Island, which was tons of fun. It's no Ocean City, Maryland, by any stretch of the imagination, but it was damn fun, and very close. I hope that becomes our summer thing, going to C.I. (I'm cool, so I call it C.I.)
What else? Hmmm...I started therapy. Yeah. We're gonna see how it goes. I hope it helps me work out some shit, so that I stop hurting Dharma so much, and so that I'm better able to tell her what she does to hurt me in a rational, calm, candy-filled way. That bothers me. "Candy-filled"? It sounds silly to me. I wanted to go with "candy-coated", which makes more sense in my mind. But then I was worried that using "candy-coated" would imply the metaphor of Dharma only being able to handle watered-down remarks about her mistakes, but I simply meant it as being weird and working junk food into my entry. I have been trying to eat less junk food, at Dharma's request, and it's hard. I know it's what is best for me, but now I'm...well...I'm randomly inserting references to candy in the middle of sentences about therapy. That's...that's not good.
I love Dharma, and she loves me. Which is nice. But it could be nicer just because we don't really have an environment that is safe and happy enough for us to feel the love. We're just so young, and there's so much changing. But maybe we're not that young...I mean, everyone else I know is beginning to go through changes like this themselves. Some sooner than others, but it seems to be a nearly standard thing. Maybe "21" isn't an arbitrary age to set adulthood at. Maybe there is something about this year that changes everything. Or, maybe not.
Bah...this entry wasn't as entertaining or interesting as I hoped it would be. I just had to get it out. I'll post more, and I'll post something with a little more PIZAZ (Is that how you spell that? Does it matter how you spell it? Nah...prolly not) later. Now I'm off to make laundry clean.

I'm a poet and I wasn't even aware of it at the time...

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 15:52:59 GMT

The Straw that Broke the Camel's Heart

I remain
surprisingly cheerful after an uncomfortable landing.
On the rare occasion the impact was too great for me to handle
I was laid to rest amid words of comfort.
After disturbingly short spans of death
(seeing as how the standard duration is "forever")
I revive, only to fly the friendly skies again.
But then there's this time.
This time's a little different, wouldn't you say?
This time, to miscoin a phrase,
was the straw that broke the camel's heart.

-Michael Roccuzzo

Like so much Fonzie...

Tue, 31 May 2005 00:00:49 GMT

As terribly cliché as it sounds, moving out on my own has given me a new respect and appreciation for what I had for every moment of my life before four months ago. Carpeting. Did you know carpeting was a luxury? I had no idea. My house just had it, all over. It just comes with houses. When, a few years ago, my parents ripped up the dining room carpet to reveal a nice hardwood floor underneath, and my father, brothers, and I begin the process of sanding and treating it so it would be all shiny and pretty, I was enthralled. A change of pace, thank god. HARD WOOD FLOORS! Yay! Now in my apartment, where everything is tile and hardwood and more tile, my feet long for carpeting. Carpeting is very expensive. It is a luxury. I had NO IDEA.
A clean home is nice, too. My room back in my parents’ house was a mess. It was a perpetual mess. The last time I remember my room being truly clean must have been at least seven or eight years ago. I figured that I could live with my mess until I learn to clean. I never really considered that my parents kept the rest of the house pristine and…well…adult. I never considered the fact that often, I would escape from my room just to sit on the living room couch and play with the cat, or chill in the kitchen. I never really saw how these little escapes into cleanliness were helping me stay sane. Now, in this apartment, whose mess I have let get out of control in every single room, I come home from school or work or whatever, and instead of being able to relax, my stress remains, or sometimes even amplifies, with the sight of the “home” I’ve made for myself.
The magical fridge vanished as well. I knew it would, but I just did not realize how poorly I’d handle it. It used to be that, at any goddamn time of the day, if I wanted something to eat or drink, I’d walk down the hall to the kitchen. I would open the fridge and the light would come on like the ethereal energy emitting from a doorway to heaven. It was as if choirs of angels should have been praising God’s glory in orchestral melodic hymns each time I pried open the door. Inside, ALWAYS, was a vast array of tantalizing treats. Now that it is my responsibility to stock this heavenly container in my own apartment, the event warrants far less fanfare. What little food we do have is not the feast of chocolates and cheeses and meats that my overwhelmingly Italian-American-suburban family had accustomed me to. With Dharma now being ever watchful of my diet, any rogue candy bars or hot pockets that stray into our domain prompt a scolding. It’s for my own good, of course, but I am used to a certain level of hedonism (a word I never would have associated with my first 21 years of life until Dharma pointed it out to me), and it is very hard to become a practical adult at this late stage of the game.
And since we’re on the subject of Dharma…I’m used to Mom and Dad, who take care of me always and without question. I’m used to annoying brothers, but they’re my brothers, so disagreement is expected. Now I live with a person who is not a sibling; A person who is not a superior adult caretaker. She is an equal. Someone with opinions and feelings different from my own, and we need to take care of EACH OTHER. Scary. Selfish, like hedonistic, is another word I never even considered being an accurate descriptor of myself, but (again, thanks to Dharma) I now see that I’ve never really had to care about someone else. I mean, I’ve CARED. But I’ve never had to DO SOMETHING about that caring. Now that I am 50% of a household, I need to not only be cared for by my love, but I must also care for her. And this means sacrifice, and patience, and all sorts of things that I don’t really have vast quantities of at the moment.
This isn’t news. This isn’t stuff I haven’t thought, said, or even typed in this journal before. It’s just…well…it’s healthy to keep saying it, because the more I remind myself of these facts, the better I’ll be able to change them. Slowly but surely. Like the tortoise in that story, or the tugboat in that other story, or Tarantino working on a new project.

“Get busy living, or get busy dieing. You’re damn right.” – Otis “Redd” Redding (Morgan Freeman)

And now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his head on the floor...

Wed, 23 Mar 2005 19:42:03 GMT

"You're a monster sometimes."

One thing I've always heard in my life is that I'm a nice, sweet guy. I never really believe it fully, and deny it with as much modesty as I can muster. I have a fear of seeming cocky, so I usually deny any compliment given to me with great vigor.

So when I hear daily that I'm a "monster, an "asshole", a "jerk", a "baby", that I'm "acting like a child", that I'm this, that I do that, etc., I began to feel what confidence I had being ripped out. You hear these things enough, and you become them. While outwardly, I always have an aire of self-loathing and depression, the constant compliments definitely made me feel, somewhere deep inside, that I was a good person. That well-protected cell of good-vibes can be very easily drained from hearing that you are a "monster". From hearing on a daily basis the things you already know you did wrong. From hearing on a daily basis things you thought you had done right being thrown in your face as failures.

"You don't ever listen."

I hear that one a lot. I listen to every word, but it's hard. It's hard to remember that reason #4 of 12 reasons she's upset is the one I should focus on when she says, "Do you even know why I'm upset?" As she gets more upset, she talks faster, and lower, and tears drown out vital words. She becomes impossible to understand, and as she gets more upset, she forgets what she's saying herself. She's admitted this when feeling okay, but in the moment of being upset, of course it's forgotten. That's the nature of her problem. But still, I cannot be blamed and made to feel that I don't care every single day when I put all my effort and sanity into trying to calm her and help her when she gets into these elevated and irrational states. I listen. I listen to every word, but the words don't always connect as the conversations go on, and she herself begins to say, "I don't know what I'm saying" or "I don't remember what I just said". Why should I be expected to, like a court stenographer, memorize every word and recite the hours back to her? Why is it because I ask a question more than once, it means I don't listen? Sometimes I already KNOW the answer, and the question is simply a device to make her say the answer aloud and realize something about it. I explain this to her, but in the moment, she doesn't hear it. She hears what she wants. Or rather, what she doesn't want.

She hears insults where there are none. She hears parts of a sentence and takes it as the whole. She has selective memory, ignoring something I say in the moment to reference something I may have said during a fight two weeks prior, accepting only what would hurt her and make me the villain as fact. I am the villain. In this relationship, I feel the villain.

Any and every livejournal friend who reads her journal instructs HER to break up with ME, and acts like she's a battered woman, and I a dominering, abusive pig. The way she yells and cries and slams doors and makes a scene almost every time we fight about any little thing. I feel like a criminal. I feel like the character on the show that the studio audience boos at. I'm the guy that gets punched by the hero, or thrown out by the girl, and the crowd goes wild. Cheers. Triumph. Defeat over the bad guy. I'm the bad guy? I thought I was nice and sweet...what happened?

Things are growing from hard to impossible. If there isn't a change soon, I fear the end is near. I don't want that. I love her, truly. The total her, issues and all. I know that a change needs to happen or else this won't last much longer, so I made the effort and I decided today was the first day of a new era. I tried, and did my best, and she resisted my help. It became a fight, and escalated, and I lost my ability to stay calm and be the one in control and remaining rational. I couldn't help it. She apologized, after the fact, for how she acted earlier and admitted that I was being helpful, but for some reason was still upset at herself and with me, not acknowledging that it all stemmed from that first bad karma. That it all grew out of that initial accidental miscommunication. She still claimed I hadn't listened when I had, citing the fact that I disagreed with what she was saying as not listening. She still got mad at herself and sank into a self-loathing, which she wouldnt let me talk her out of, nor hold her and let my love for her heal it. She won't believe I care for her, and she makes that clear to me daily. She scoffs when I say I love her, calling me a liar. "No you don't, Mike." "No you don't." That's hard. It's hard to actually pour out your heart and admit the kind of dependence being in love means, and to then be told that, NO, I don't feel that way. It's confusing and shakes your confidence to have your very feelings, the one thing in all the world I should be able to understand better than anyone, taken away from you and put in the control of an outside force. That's why I hate mood rings (before I realized that the general public doesn't actually believe they work, and that their campy value is their appeal). It's like, you look at your finger and have to say, "Well, I don't FEEL angry, but apparently, fuck you." That's what it is. That's what it feels like.

There's too much. There's too much that I try to say and can't because it's the wrong time, or I said it the wrong way, or simply because it's upsetting to her and I need to stop myself and work on her feelings. Things like my friends. I saw people every day last year. I don't see anyone now. I've seen my friends 5 or 6 times since September. She's not comfortable around my friends for a lot of reasons, but she's never GOING to be unless she sees them and opens up. I don't know her friends, she doesn't often try to see anyone. It's just the two of us in this box in brooklyn. I need to get out more. I only have one class a week, and I need to get off my ass and get a job so I can be out. She goes out for 5 hours a day, 5 days a week. Maybe that's why it's not so confining for her. I need something. I need to see friends, or to work, or go to school more. That, of course, is my fault. I need to get off my ass. I feel so drained though. This is all very draining. I love her, she's worth it all, I just wish it was a little easier. Just a wish. Just a little. I'm not asking much, and if I don't get it, it doesn't mean I'm giving up. She's worth even MORE trouble. I just wish, like all people, that life could be carefree and without trouble. Or, just a LITTLE easier. Just a little, so I can feel sane again. So I can feel like I'm not screwing up out here, all alone. So I can feel like I have an ally and not someone who constantly sees me as her enemy.

I feel like the enemy. The bad guy. The villain. The number of times a day I'm called a name, or told about each little thing I do wrong to make her feel bad, how could I NOT feel like the villain? How could I not be retreating into a depressed stuper. The only thing I felt I was doing right in my life was being with Dharma and moving in with her. Now I feel like I'm messing that up, too. Along with school, and my friends, and LIFE.

Dance your cares away...

Fri, 22 Oct 2004 21:41:56 GMT

You're Mokey Fraggle!

Which Fraggle are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

A tiger hanging from a helicopter

Thu, 07 Oct 2004 05:48:31 GMT

I have a real update coming soon (no, seriously!), but first...I thought I'd go a little quiz crazy. By the way, I searched through a lot of the most recent quizzes at memegen.net, and there is an UNNATURAL and wholly inappropriate number of quizzes about sex with the males of Harry Potter.

LJ House Party by fayray

Username

The DJ

shadykitten

The Drunk

petitnavire

The Hottie

marisolicious

The Wallflower

angeleyes83

The Player

moglog

The Gambler

jessebeller

The Horny One

astralpriestess

The Crasher

marisolicious

The Love Interest

jessebeller

How many people got laid

Chances the party will be a sucess: 67%

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Marisa is both the hottie AND the crasher? Wonder how that works. JesseBeller as the gambler gives me images of Jesse Beller dressed in the outfit Kenny wears in the music video for "The Gambler". And that's just plain funny. Way to go Mara. Play on, playette. Also, I find it funny that the liklihood of success is directly correlated to the number of people getting laid.

You're Devi! Bad people happen to you more than is
normal. You must live a cursed life.

What Johnny the Homicidal Maniac character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm not surprised. Seriously.

Love by ruby mae
Your name
Your partner
You two are	Inseperable
Your meeting was by	Chance
They are your	Shoulder to cry on
You are their	Sweetheart
Your love will	Last for all eternity

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Yea, I did a sappy one. And I like it. You wanna make somethin' of it?!

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
derangeddesign goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as Silent Bob.
astralpriestess tricks you! You get a scratched CD.
jessebeller gives you 5 mauve banana-flavoured gummy bears.
marisolicious tricks you! You lose 1 pieces of candy!
moglog tricks you! You lose 1 pieces of candy!
petitnavire tricks you! You lose 2 pieces of candy!
derangeddesign ends up with 1 pieces of candy, and a scratched CD.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

All the GIRLS tricked me! Trixie, trixie Girls-essss. Trixie...
Jesse got my back, though. Rock on, Jesse. And at least my darling gave me something I could throw at the three who took my candy.

Which Eddie Izzard "Dressed to Kill" line are you? by Saphyne
Username
Eddie Izzard quote:	"Napoleon had been steaming in there, you know, 100 years before: 'I’ve – going to kill them, I’m going to kill them, going to – oooh, it’s a bit cold, it’s a bit cold. Right! Ok, ok bad idea.' And then Hitler: 'I’ve got a better idea, got a better idea, oooh, it’s the same idea, it’s the same idea, it’s the same idea…'"

Quiz created with MemeGen!

If you don't know who Eddie Izzard is, then your knowledge of British transvestite stand-up comedians is shameful. SHAMEFUL.

A very "special" dictionary. by lily22
Look up:
Definition:	The sensation of suddenly feeling that your entire life is a plot device.

Quiz created with MemeGen!

That is disturbingly close to the actual intention I had behind the name. Beware though, it is serendipitously relevant for me (which I take as a sign about SOMETHING), but most of the time it ends up just being random silliness for a laugh. For example, Marisolicious is "The opening in a tissue box; something resembling such an opening; a tissue box with such an opening." I can't imagine that definition having anything significant to do with her life, excluding pyschosexual innuendos and implications that I really don't want to think about.

If LJ Was a Bar by Karen_Walker
Username
Bartender	marisolicious
Bouncer	shadykitten
Dancing Badly	astralpriestess
Playing Pool	moglog
Playing Darts	jessebeller
Singing Karaoke	petitnavire
Got in with a Fake ID	angeleyes83
Guy with a Mullet	jessebeller
Too Drunk to Stand	marisolicious
Hitting on Everyone	angeleyes83
Hot Chick	astralpriestess

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Marisa as the drunken bartender. I buy it. Also, I'm noticing that whenever Jesse Beller's name appears in one of these quizzes, it always conjures a hilarious visual. Jesse with a mullet, playing darts. That's just awesome.

Your Career as a Deadly Assassin (LJ) by maxgallagher
Username
Gender
You first killed at age	21
Your victim was	The president
Reason	Pleasure
Your trademark weapon	Explosives
Your reputation	Competitive and egotistical
You work with	petitnavire
You kill for	Political reasons
In the end, you are defeated by	angeleyes83
Your death	Fiery explosion
Your career body-count	847

Quiz created with MemeGen!

I kill the president at 21, and get pleasure out of it? That's next year...I guess that means Kerry loses? Bummer. Okay, wow...I need to type that THAT'S A JOKE. I know the C.I.A. monitors everything and I don't want anyone breakin' down my door. Rachel totally works as my sidekick. She's so perfect for 'wacky' sidekick. And I always knew that someday Leeada would kill me in a fiery explosion. I don't know how...

LJ Friends Hallowe'en by jacquelinetm
UserName
Favorite Treat/Candy
The Witch	moglog
The Vampire	jessebeller
The Headless Horseman	petitnavire
Frankenstein's Monster	astralpriestess
The Princess	shadykitten
The Devil	marisolicious
The Ninja	angeleyes83
The Ghost	angeleyes83
The Sexy Cat	jessebeller
The One Who Doesn't Dress Up	shadykitten

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Poor kytten didn't come out so well in this one. She would have wanted "sexy cat", but ended up as Frankenstein's monster. By the way, all you people out there who still refer to the monster as Frankenstein: Stop it. It's incorrect. And as funny as Jesse Beller being the "sexy cat" is, I'm afraid we've broken the streak of him being the funniest element of these quizzes. Leeada is a GHOST NINJA. Or perhaps a NINJA GHOST. The possibilities of a sword slashing spectre, an assassin of the afterlife if you will, are ENDLESS.

Take the What
animal best portrays your sexual appetite?? Quiz

I like the idea of pouncing. I've always been fond of having a good pounce. Dharma will vouch for that.

And now some quizzes I didn't feel like commenting on.

Hey!! You're King Kandy! The Imperial Head Bonbon
and Grand Jujube of Candy Land!! Rock on
Jujube, rock on!

Which Candy Land Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your True LJ Friends by bluemystique82

Username

Loves you

astralpriestess

Hates you

angeleyes83

Is jealous of you

marisolicious

Adores you

shadykitten

Finds you annoying

petitnavire

Finds you interesting

jessebeller

Dreams about you

moglog

Talks behind your back

petitnavire

Wants to marry you

shadykitten

Wants to kill you

angeleyes83

Friend-O-Meter: 74%

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Cowboy Bebop - YOUR bounty by Drusilla
Username
How much are you worth?	$814,624
Number of victims	3,783
Your story	They killed your only love, s/he didn't do anything wrong...So now you live in anger, living on a killing spree. You just wish you could die...and be with him/her once again.
Will you be caught?	Nah, but watch your back.

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your New Cowboy Bebop Episode by tau926
Username/Name
Age
Episode title:	A Day in the Life
You are:	a bountyhead seen on Big Shots
In the beginning:	you try to pawn off the fruit of your latest theft
Plot twist:	you're just trying to get close to Faye
In the end:	Spike beats you after a climactic battle

Quiz created with MemeGen!

BATTLE MONKEYS!

Tue, 05 Oct 2004 05:27:38 GMT

I was very confident about my Jelly-Eating Skeleton Monkey, as it defeated my kytten, Dharma Wild the Plankton-Eating Butler Monkey, with her measley battle rating of 1.9, and species that sounds suspiciously close to "Butt Monkey". Then I dared enter in the name of my good friend Matthew Lopresti, and...well, let's just say that at a battle rating of 7.7, the Sausage-eating Magic Monkey is not to be taken lightly.

I'd also like it noted that Jesse Beller is a Porridge-Eating Peace Monkey. I hope that this catches his eye on his Friends page, because for some reason, I think he'd like to know that he's a Porridge-Eating Peace Monkey. I would.

I feel dumb AND im the innards of a gator.

Tue, 07 Sep 2004 06:25:34 GMT

derangeddesign's Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level: 6
Average number of words per sentence:	12.11
Average number of syllables per word:	1.39
Total words in sample:	3318
Analyze your journal! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern

The Potion Maker
AstralPriestessium is a translucent, flaky aquamarine powder created from the blood of a fox.
derangeddesignium is an opaque, swirling beige liquid created from the lungs of an alligator.
Mixing AstralPriestessium with derangeddesignium causes a violent chemical reaction, producing a translucent scarlet potion which gives the user the power of amazing hearing.
Yet another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern

Sort of like Jean Grey...but not...

Sun, 05 Sep 2004 17:01:58 GMT

You are a PHOENIX in your soul and your
wings make a statement. Huge and born of flame,
they burn with light and power and rebirth.
Ashes fall from your wingtips. You are an
amazingly strong person. You survive, even
flourish in adversity and hardship. A firm
believer in the phrase, 'Whatever doesn't kill
you only makes you stronger,' you rarely fear
failure. You know that any mistake you make
will teach you more about yourself and allow
you to 'rise from the ashes' as a still greater
being. Because of this, you rarely make the
same mistake twice, and are not among the most
forgiving people. You're extremely powerful and
wise, and are capable of fierce pride, passion,
and anger. Perhaps you're this way because you
were forced to survive a rough childhood. Or
maybe you just have a strong grasp on reality
and know that life is tough and the world is
cruel, and it takes strength and independence
to survive it. And independence is your
strongest point - you may care for others, and
even depend on them...but when it comes right
down to it, the only one you need is yourself.
Thus you trust your own intuition, and rely on
a mind almost as brilliant as the fire of your
wings to guide you.You are eternal and because
you have a strong sense of who and what you
are, no one can control your heart or mind, or
even really influence your thinking. A symbol
of rebirth and renewal, you tend to be a very
spiritual person with a serious mind - never
acting immature and harboring a superior
disgust of those who do. Likewise, humanity's
stupidity and tendency to want others to solve
their problems for them frustrates you
endlessly. Though you can be stubborn,
outspoken, and haughty, I admire you greatly.

Image Source: stp.ling.uu.se/ ~klasp/Boris.html

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

What the hell is Keanu Reeves doing in Much Ado about Nothing?

Sat, 04 Sep 2004 01:15:01 GMT

Surprisingly accurate, for the most part...

Your Shakespearean Tragedy by tostitos_way
Username
Age
Favorite soap (i.e. Dove, Ivory?)
The Melancholy Lover	marisolicious
The Drunken Clown	jessebeller
Woman Pretending to be a Man	astralpriestess
Revenge-Minded Hero	angeleyes83
The Honorable Best Friend	petitnavire
The Wrongly Murdered	moglog
You fight to the death with	shadykitten
Has Boring Final Monologue	jessebeller

Quiz created with MemeGen!